Poops Magee in: The Ballad of Toht and Buttermouth

An alternate and possibly more useful title may be "Why I will never go to a midnight release again", but that's neither here nor there. I recently acquired my copy of Mass Effect 2 (thanks, Shepardclause!) at a midnight release at my local Gamestop. I believe Ryan has already covered my reasoning for such a venture, so I won't dwell on those details.

Let me start by saying that the last midnight release I attended was for Halo 3, and I was so damaged by that event that I swore then to never do it again. Last time, I was surrounded by gamer snobs bragging about their gamerscores (their GAMERSCORES!!) like it was something their mom would tell her friends about with a glowig smile and a puffed out chest. To me, that's about as good of an indicator of your ambitions in life as talking up how many friends you have on facebook. The onslaught continued with talks of their best kill scores in Halo 2, excitement about the possible nudity of Cortana, and other such trash that made me wish I was born without ears.

That sets the groundwork nicely for this evening's (morning's?) events. I got to the Gamestop only to be very disappointed that I had arrived at 11:45 and had to find a non-rage-inducing way of killing 15 minutes. After sitting in my car and listening to the dulcet, lady-like tones of Reggie Miller on the Dan Patrick show, I decided that there had to be a better way.

So I went in.

Upon breaching the threshold of the Gamestop, I was greeted with the usual crowd that attends midnight releases. Of note, there was the mid 50 year-old with a ponytail and a sour demeanor, the guy who was still in his work uniform, a dude with spiked up hair and a bluetooth earpiece who was undoubtedly going to take the game back to the Kappa house so he and his "brothers" could race to the finish during any romantic scenes, and then there were these two rare creatures:

It's like pure joy split into two beings

These two guys are some of the hardest to find citizens of the gamer world - the guys that make you ashamed to have the same hobby as they do. Since I dared not interrupt their witty, loud repartee to get their names, I've dubbed them Major Toht and Buttermouth. Major Toht, as you may have guessed is the fellow on the left. Apparently the night was ripe for a knee-length leather coat, a bowler hat he was holding in his right hand (gentlemen never wear hats inside) work boots with white socks, and round specs. It was this attire that earned him the moniker "Toht".

We're, hehe, not here to drink

His trusty sidekick in his gaming venture, the gentleman on the right in the above photo, was the louder one of the pair, sporting a shirt that would make Magnum, P.I. gag, some swanky linen pants, and some finely crafted moccasins (socks sold separately). He capped off the ensemble with a killer ponytail and they yellowest, most churn-golden chiclets that ever existed and could only be the product of a two-packs-a-day habit coupled with an immoral love of Easy Cheese. This, ladies and gentlemen, is Buttermouth.

Once i was settled in the back of the store and closer to the Dynamic Duo, a few things became clear. First, the guys were avid fans of the Adult Swim programming block as they were embroiled in a heated discussion about whether Titan Maximum was better than Robot Chicken. Apples to oranges? Such things do not exist to Toht and Buttermouth. Their chatting ranged all over from TV shows to movies, and finally settling in on video games.

It was about this time that the registers opened and Major Toht chimed in loudly with something he'd probably been rehearsing in his head all night: "Ok, so, who's here for MAG?" (which was also releasing at midnight). He followed up his query with a self-satisfied chuckle and a "who's with me?" look around the store. Buttermouth, like any good sidekick, was happy to support his pal and offered the dubious behind-the-back low five as a prize for his friend's zinger. Just before I passed out from the pain, I managed to get my game and get out of Dodge.

This friggin game better be worth it. Also, I won't be doing that again. I swear.