Sunday, November 9, 2008

Don't Worry, I'm Here To Help...

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. What the fuck are the Houston Texans trying to pull? Turnover after turnover after turnover. It's like Matt Schaub and Sage Rosenfels have some kind of bet going to see who will throw the most eye en tees this year. As I type this, Sage is really padding his stats in this contest. That's pick #4 for the game. But, worry not, dear Texans. Let ol' Aith here help you out. You see I think I've come to the root of the problem:

See that there... that's a Texans Jersey. It's what they've been calling "Liberty White" 'round these parts. Study it very closely... that's where you want to throw the ball. I've even done you the favor of making it an Andre Johnson jersey... turns out, this is where you should be going with the ball most of the time anyway. Now I know it's only your first day here... and I don't want to give you too much to digest right away. But, I think we might be able to go over a couple of variations of the jersey above.

These are Navy and "Battle Red" version of your jersey. Notice how they still display the "Texans" logo above the numbers on the front. That's a real key give away. That's what you want to look for at all times since it's consistent across all 3. Once again, these are Andre Johnson jerseys... seriously, throw him the fucking ball... Matt... up here asshole... this is important shit, pay attention.

Yes, I understand you're hurt... yes I know you didn't play at Navy, I said the Jersey was a "Navy" color... fuck

Now, if you find yourself in a situation where this knowledge has left you... I know a crumbling pocket is a tough place to keep your wits about you... simply look down at your own jersey. Match that up with the little bodies running around in front of you, and throw it to that guy... only make sure that number is "80" for fuck's sake.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Is There Something Important Going On Today?

Hey, it's me, Aith, and I have a few things to say about election day...

What’s really getting to me are all the people who are saying things like “I’m praying for our country” or “I’m worried about our country” or any number of things like this… as if we’ve suddenly become a dictatorship as of this election. There will be slightly minor, almost insignificant differences between an Obama victory and a McCain victory… and even if the differences are, relatively, drastic… it won’t be enough to doom us to the future that these people have seemed to envision. You’re still going to wake up tomorrow and be free to do as you like. You’re still going to have a roof over your head, a gun in your home (if you're into that sort of thing), stores will still be open, water will run, electricity will flow, and unless you murder or steal, no man in a uniform is going to drag you from your home. Oh, also if you're homeless... well then that little "roof over your head" thing might not apply. Get a job... loser.

Also, is it really necessary to update your facebook status to “get out the word on voting”? It’s mother fuckin’ election day… is there really anybody left out there with a facebook/email account who DOESN’T know there’s some kind of election going on, Obama is clearly a member of a Muslim terrorist cell, and John McCain eats fetuses to sustain his frail state of health? Hobos who can't read, write, hear, or speak, know that there's an election going on.

Oh, and then the worst type of person is the “I can’t believe you’re not voting!!!” person… who is all about how it’s your “patriotic duty to vote”… until they find out that you’re voting for the other guy. Then you're a goddamned idiot for even having an opinion. This brings me to the next guy... the “candidate x is a freakin’ moron!!!” guy… way to construct a convincing argument… jackass. Both, McCain and Obama got to where they are by being somewhat intelligent... even if they lied, cheated, and stole to get there... you still have to be pretty smart to pull that off while the nation is watching. I say "Bravo!" to each candidate for both their balls and their cunning.

In conclusion, I like "quotes". Carry on.